“I look for your deliverance O Lord.” Genesis 49:18
I’ve been going through one specific trial for the last six years of my life and admittedly I am so tired right now. I’m weary; I feel like giving up; I feel doubtful; I feel like this trial will never come to an end. I’m being painfully honest today because I don’t feel that being dishonest will ever help anyone, especially me.
I’ve been in real relationship with God for about six years as well. Prior to this time, I knew about God and I attended church when it was convenient but I didn’t have a real connection with God. There was no daily exchange of thanks or praise; there was no confidence that if I died, God would know me and welcome me into his kingdom. I was just floating back then and even though I wasn’t aware of it, I was being carried by the prayers of my mother, grandmother and other relatives who never stopped praying for God’s protection and hand on my life. I can truly say thank you to them and to God for refusing to let the devil have me when I didn’t know any better.
Fast forward to today…I know that the bible says “in this life you will have trials...” but I thought that every trial had a start and end date. With what I’ve been going through, it’s been so many long days, months and years that my belief that there is an end has been weakened. I do believe that God is working; I do believe that God can change a situation in an instant; I do believe that God has a plan for each one of us but I just can’t understand why it’s taking so long for me to breakthrough in this area of my life. My faith hasn’t wavered in God’s ability to deliver me from this; my faith wavers in whether God wants to deliver me from this. I find myself asking or wondering why God won’t lift this burden from me because I am confident that He can! Everyone keeps saying that He will. They keep telling me to read certain scriptures, to pray, to fast and to wait and if I died and went to heaven today I know in my heart and soul that in this last six years I’ve done all these things including begging God, crying out to God, and everything else that I could think or hear of and still today I remain in this valley. When my spirit is so heavy and I just feel like I’m about to snap, I sometimes believe it would be okay if God just took me from this earth and let me be at peace in Heaven with Him. I know that I’m not the only one who’s ever felt like this or who even feels like this today.
Since I decided a long time ago that my life would only be ended when God made it so, I know that I have no choice but to keep living, to keep looking to God, to keep begging Him to deliver me, to keep looking for that breakthrough, to keep asking Him for more peace and strength. I don’t know when God will finally decide to deliver me from this but I do know there’s no other help I know and knowing He’s delivered me from other trials in my past keeps my faith alive. There’s a scripture that says all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain; I’ve been blessed to see a mustard seed and I know that my faith though small today is still way bigger than a mustard seed so I keep on pressing forward hoping that today will be my day of breakthrough.
Song to listen to: “It Shall Come to Pass” –Hezekiah Walker & LFC
