"He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord, he said” (1 Kings 19:4)
Have you ever just had enough? Enough of your family, enough of your friends, enough of your job, enough of things not going as you planned, enough of trying to stay positive, enough of life itself? Well I have and I'm, going through the motions of all of these today! It actually started two days ago...truth be told, it's been a build up to this point but the bottom fell out two days ago.
Sometimes it seems like the harder you try to be better, and to do better, the more you get attacked or accused of the opposite. The double-edged sword of family itself can take anyone over the cliff but I'm feeling the wrath of mine right now. It's fortunate you have family but it's unfortunate when you can't stomach being around them. We are all different, with our own viewpoints and issues but it's exhausting when you try so hard to put yourself aside and show love and gratitude only to be slapped across the face with their views about how bad and uncaring of a person you are...I ask God, how could I put in so much effort to show that I care and still be seen as this selfish, awful person? It makes you feel like throwing in the towel...It makes you understand why so many people totally separate themselves from the families they are born into. It gets to the point where ENOUGH is ENOUGH! What about life as a whole? When you stay in prayer; you stay battling negative thoughts with positive ones; you stay being hopeful for tomorrow, only to wake up today to the same old things, without change which makes you feel that you're traveling in circles and getting nowhere. Maybe it's just me, maybe my life is the only one that is playing out as a losing boxing match, where I keep getting knocked down...sometimes I just wanna stay down on the mat, close my eyes and wake up in Heaven...
It helps me when I see that in the bible, over 2,000 years ago, others also felt what I am feeling today. Others even asked God to take their life, to spare them from any more of the pain that this life brings. The Prophet Elijah prayed that he might die; Moses told the Lord "Please go ahead and kill me!" (Numbers 11:14) If these two holy men had such low points where they felt that death would be better than life, it helps me not to feel as guilty and it gives me strength to go on. Strength comes from knowing I'm not alone and knowing that even after such low moments, I can and will continue on. My prayer today is that my tomorrows are better than my today...but for now I can only take it one step at a time...and believe that as God's word instructs: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)
Song to listen to: "This Too Shall Pass" -Yolanda Adams
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